Firstly, seemingly unrelated, to everyone that knows of my health experiences of the past year, please, PLEASE, provide me no pity. No ‘you poor thing’, no ‘how terrible’. I need you all to know- this was by far the most richly woven gift I have ever received. This is not a ‘silver lining’. This is gold.
What it really gave me, was a full frontal access into my greatest fears. I could easily have gone down the fear route, a catastrophic mind spiral into the swampiest depths of my interior world. I’d been there before, many times, it was a place I knew intimately.
But this time, the route was express. There was no extended disco remix or stories on loop, no fear costumed in rescue attire, no way possible for me to avoid the decaying elephant in the room.
I. Will. Die.
If not now, if not by this, then some other way. Completely out of my control.
And then what?
If I inspect the mechanics of my anxiety, my depression, the reality is THIS is what it had always been telling me.
You’re gonna die.
I see it in others now too… I feel it, I hear it. A ominous, vacuous cloud flooding their auras as they recall stories and facts as though they are truth. While they avoid at all bloody cost the real fear, and the parallel thought stream of restoring their faith.
“Anxiety and depression are caused by my lack of/ over production of neurotransmitters”. Whoa. Scienced me. How could I ever argue with such sterling and robust fact as that. I mean, it could even be true for all I care (I do care, and I do know, I have a degree in science that I built on studying mental health 😂👩🏻🏫). But what does it MATTER? The facts?
Science loves to fact things. But it’s so interesting to note, the more our faith in science etches it’s way into our everyday existence, the more our true connection with life, here and beyond, dissolves.
We become victims, owned by our stories. Science will reinforce whatever we believe- there’s a fact for pretty much everything you want to know. Even homeopathics, a branch that professional medicine men will tell you has no ‘science’, has overwhelming repositories of provings.
Whatever you want to believe in life, you will find confirmation for.
But this attachment and desperate need for immediate external confirmation really is costing us life. And we see way too many people on medication that they don’t need (I’m all for medication, for a brief moment, not for life).
The attachment undermines our true nature in every single way. That we are not enough. That we have to be a fluffy sparkle pony in every moment. That we have to live our lives strictly adhering to the pre-determined structure of waking early, off to work, absorbing a brutal onslaught of fluorescence before returning home in the dark. And not question our emptiness.
But question it, please. Question everything. Because I will tell you, without a doubt, what your anxiety and depression are trying to tell you is that you are SO far outside of living the life you should. And that the ‘facts’ are NOT serving you. They are absolutely keeping you a victim, powerless in society.
What will serve you is developing a dialogue with the exact thing you’re trying to kill. Your screaming, wallowing, dementing thoughts. The thoughts you keep shoving back into the box because you think they are ‘too much’.
And I’m certain, if you follow the thoughts through to their natural conclusion, if you continue to ask “why does this bother me” about ANYTHING that shows up as triggering for you, you will find a fascinating story of complexes you have collected along your not-so-merry-path of life.
But the end will get to either of two places;
That I’m not safe (and will die)
Or
That I won’t love myself (and not REALLY feel alive).
So if it comes down to life and death, every mundane decision, isn’t that simple?
I mean, what DO you live for? And what will you die for?
This is why, for me, cancer was the most epic gift of my life. It short circuited every action, every decision into this Living Truth. I know who I am (the real me, sans stories) and she is beautiful. And I know what happens when I leave this Earthly plane, and it is exquisite.
But science has obliterated most people’s connection with the afterlife. With something outside of ourselves. Which is why we’ve become slaves to the science of facts imprisoning us in conditions, instead of asking a higher force “what are you showing me”.
I don’t mean desperate prayer, either. The “please, please fix this thing because I need controls over the everyday happenings in my life”.
I mean, a trust in death.
Like, no matter what happens, I’m safe. Even if, my heart is torn out by a savage lion and my children die, I know, they go to the After Place. And they’ll be fine. And after my brief experiment on Earth has ended, I’ll be there too.
By becoming completely in LOVE with the inevitable, (even at my worst, I still love myself and even if I die I’ll still be safe), the grips of anxiety and depression have no purchase.
I know, to many, this will not resonate. I know Science has bought your Human. I know you’ll defend the facts until your last, fearful, dying breath.
But for those of you who are doubting the system, I hand you your crown. YOU have complete power of how your life unfurls. YOU get to decide exactly what all of this means.
It’s YOUR life, by design.
✨✨✨
